That call from the neurologist at Vanderbilt finally came. I prayed for the best, but braced myself for the worse. There was a substantial amount of blood on the right side of her brain. There is an excessive amount of swelling. Immediate need for surgery. Prepping now. Need permission. That was about all I could get from the conversation. After giving my permission to have my 20 hour old undergo brain surgery I hung up. I was barely able to get the words out to Matt. Again I tried to remain strong. They would call me when she was out. Should be 3-4 hours. Matt left to go home to take care of the dogs, grab a nap and a shower and then wanted to be back when I got the news from surgery. As much as I wanted him to stay and hold me and comfort me, I knew he needed to go. Before he left he hugged me and I broke down. I couldn't help the tears from falling. I knew he was hurting and it sucked so bad. We should be snuggling her, not praying for her life.
After Matt left I lost it. The tears wouldn't stop and the pain hurt so bad. My baby girl, sweet little girl, not even a day old was going to have her head cut open. A bone kept out of her head. She would hopefully survive this and still have a long journey ahead of her. I knew that the possibility of death was great and it hurt me so bad. This little miracle baby was going to be taken from us just as quickly as she was given to us. I still needed to be strong and so I try to stop myself from crying. I didn't want anyone to see how much pain I was in. How bad I was hurting. I had it remain positive and know that the next call would be changing my life forever and I couldn't think negative. In the next few hours I cried and prayed and cried and prayed. I was stuck in a room that I should have been in with my baby and couldn't even see her. I was heart broken. I was crushed. People kept telling me to take care of myself. To rest and eat and heal. Yeah that wasn't happening. A few bites of food in 38 hours, a few cat naps in 50 some hours and who cared about me healing. I hated being alone, but like the time to get all my emotions out. One thing that killed me is not having Matt to hold and be held by. I didn't know he was dealing with all this and that hurt me. I know he was trying to be strong for me and even more so for Amelia. I also knew he wasn't taking care of himself the way he needed and holding all his emotions in was not good.
I later found out how he expressed his emotions at home. He took in her car seat and diaper bag since we weren't going to be needing them anytime soon and he said walking in with it empty killed him. Walking into her nursery to put it away broke him more than anything. He lost it and cried for his sweet baby girl. He cried because he should have been bringing her home in it. Cried because she was at the hospital having major surgery and we didn't know what would happen. I praised God that Matt got to hold her and carry her to the nursery. If something went wrong in surgery he would have that memory.
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