The call I didn't want to answer

Who wants to answer a phone call that could tell you that your now 23 hour old daughter didn't make it? I wished Matt was with me and would have answered my phone. If it was bad news how was I going to tell that to Matt? How was I going to make it? 

I mustered enough strength to answer the phone. Then I held my breath. Surgery went as expected, we drained the blood, she's on her way to NICU....now I took a little breath. Lots of blood, resulting in a ton of pressure and swelling. Your baby is very, very sick and I am really concerned about her. She's going to have some permanent damage but we won't know what till way later. I'm very concerned about her. We had to keep the bone out of her head because we anticipate more swelling and it needs somewhere to go. She's very critical. The only question I could think to ask is if she's going to make it. He said before surgery she wouldn't have made it. He's still not sure about her making it at this point. She's very sick. 

Now I have to call Matt and tell him the good news, that she's in NICU in recovery, but also the bad, that's she's critical. He wanted to know if he could go see her and I told him they said in about an hour. He said he's heading right there and he's sorry about not being with me. He would text me with information and if they would let him stay the night he was going to. As much as I needed my husband, Amelia needed her daddy. That night he texted me a picture of our sweet baby. Turban on her head, tons of wires and tubes and lines running from her. She looked so miserable. I cried for a good hour over that picture. I talked to my little baby girl all night and prayed over her. I thanked God that she was still alive and that he had his arms around her. Matt told me his phone was dying and he would call or text with anything important and would show up with anything devastating. Since they talked about discharging me a day early so I could be with my angel he would be by in the morning to get me. 

I was going to be having the worse night of my life and doing it alone. That was okay though because it gave me comfort to have Matt with Amelia. She needed someone with her. I was strong...so I thought. I prayed that night not just for Amelia but I was also selfish and prayed for myself. I felt bad asking for God to comfort me because I needed him to focus on Amelia. Thankfully they gave me Percocet and that stuff knocks me out. Otherwise I wouldn't have slept a wink. I knew I needed to sleep so I could get some strength to see my girl tomorrow. My nurse, Roz, was so sweet. She tried to tip toe in to see me and hugged me each time. She wanted me to rest as much as I could. Of course in a situation like this you don't sleep well and when you do it's not very good sleep. I was up every hour. I kept checking to see if Matt was in the room, praying he wasn't. Finally at 6:30 I couldn't take it and I got up. I got out of bed, went to the bathroom and then paced some. Roz came in and I needed to get back in bed to get my vitals and stuff. She also had more pain meds. As she was getting things ready she asked if I heard from Matt. I told her I hadn't yet. No sooner I said that I got a text. It was a morning picture with the message "good morning mommy, can't wait to see you" that melted my heart.