I was literally shaking on the ride up to the 5th floor. I didn't know what to expect and I didn't know how I was going to react. I knew I needed to stay strong for my sweet girl. Matt told me that before he left she was moving her right arm. When someone on her neurosurgery team called me she said she was moving her arms and legs some. (They called while Matt was up with me to give me an update. I almost had a heart attack because I thought something bad happened since Matt left 30 mins prior). She had a splint with tubes and wires on her left arm so that could be why she wasn't moving that arm with Matt here. That was the longest walk of my life. I wanted to run, but walking faster than a snails pace hurt. But I pushed through that pain and walked as fast as I could. Matt was holding my hand and pointed to her room. The whole front is glass is I could see my sweet angel laying there.
I dropped matts hand, walked through the door, put antibacterial foam on and I walked over to her. I lost it. I was so afraid to touch her because do all the wires and tubes everywhere but I just wanted to kiss on her and touch her. Matt finally made it to my side and said I could touch her and it was okay. I grabbed her hand and told her that mama was here. The sweetest sight was her start to move her hands for me and start to move her lips. She knew that voice. She knew that things were going to be okay! I was just amazed at how strong she was. I talked to her for what seemed like an hour but realistically was probably like 5 minutes. I told her how proud of her I was and how strong she was. I told her about all the people praying for her. Most importantly I told her how much I loved her. I went to go put my purse and sweatshirt down and Matt went to talk to Amelia. I lost it again. Listening to Matt tell Amelia he loves her was the sweetest thing I've heard ever. Watching him kiss his little girl and talking to her melted my heart. I fell in love with him all over again. I never thought I could love him any more, but at that moment my love for him went to a place I never thought possible.
One thing I was scared of was the fact that I never got to bond with Amelia. I never got the skin to skin contact, never got to feed her or change her, never got to feel her in my arms. Yes I loved this child but I didn't know if the way I felt was enough. I felt like I didn't love her the way I was supposed to. I was afraid that I wouldn't have that deep love for her like mothers talk about. I didn't want to tell Matt about it because I didn't want him to think I didn't love our baby. So I kept that in. After seeing her, touching her kissing on her I knew I was deeply in love. That was a great feeling. To know that even though we didn't "bond" after birth that she still knew me and responded to me made me feel so good. I just love this little girl!
Just as quick as we got in there we would have to leave. They needed to insert an artery vein so that they can monitor her blood pressure better and then they would have a port to draw blood from. Figured we could go get something to eat and take some time to talk and pray. We ate (or nibbled is more like it) and talked and prayed. We knew we were in for a long haul and needed to prepare ourselves mentally.
We went back up and they weren't done so we went and sat in the hall. I was feeling some pain but didn't want to say anything because I know my baby girl was hurting. I sat in a chair trying not to cry and trying to rest my eyes. Matt went somewhere but I didn't know where. Next thing I know I being led to a sleep room. I guess I was pretty rough. I couldn't stop shaking, I could barely walk or talk but wanted to see my baby. But I crawled into the bed and went to sleep. Matt went to fill my prescriptions so I get some relief. The rest was what I needed (or maybe I was in so much pain and didn't realize it).
They finally called us back in the room. They were unsuccessful but that wasn't for lack of trying. 5.5 hours. Crazy they poked my baby, my not even 2 day old baby, for 5.5 hours. We were able to kiss on her and talk to her when we got back to her. I hated to see her just laying there like that. It really hurt me.
We were told that the next few days were critical. That is when peak swelling occurs. The bone being left out of her skull should allow for some swelling but if it wasn't enough the swelling would push the brain down and that is fatal. So our prayers for the next few days would be for no new swelling.
Before she went for surgery her right side of the brain was smooshed into the left side of her brain. Then after the surgery it was still smooshed but not as bad. When the rest of the blood is absorbed into her body and the swelling reduces we hope that the brain goes back to its normal position.
I didn't want to leave my baby, but knew I was useless if I didn't take care of myself. So Matt and I went to the sleep room to TRY to get some rest.
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