Nov 22

Matt ran up to NICU as soon as he woke up. Of course he was feeling awful for leaving me but I reassured him that his princess needed him and to go. If I ever had a single doubt about Matt loving me, those went out the window. As much love as he has for Amelia, him not wanting to go to be with me proved his love. He is such an amazing man and I thanked God for him. 

While he was gone my dr came in, a nurse, someone with birth certificates and a few others. At least I had something to distract me while Matt was with our angel and getting news. I was hoping to hear that she did well and would be coming to me soon. I should know better than to think something would go the way I wanted. God had told me a million times it's His will and not mine, but I couldn't help it then, I just wanted to see my baby. I was losing precious minutes and hours with her. At least he took his phone to get some pictures of my princess. 

He finally came back in the room. He wasn't so happy, but looked hopeful. He said that she was showing some signs of seizure activity and they wanted to do an MRI and a CT scan. I was bound and determined to go see her, so I got my nurse in motion. I had to get my catheter out, get the IV to just the one port so I could get my antibiotics every 8 hrs, get the massaging braces off my legs and themes I could get dressed and go. I put it in rock star gear and before long I was ready to walk up there. Just as we were going to go they called to say they were taking Amelia for her scans and would call when they were done. Ugh I was so frustrated that I couldn't see my girl, but would rather have her taken care of. Time moved so slow. This is not something we were prepared for. We figured worse case was that instead of being released Friday I would be released Saturday. Who plans for things like NICU without cause? Who plans for not seeing their baby? I wanted to cry but knew it wouldn't do any good, so we waited for the call. I started to get really irritated and just wanted to see my baby. Two hours later, instead of a call, the NICU dr came in. Matt came by me to hold my hand and the dr sat down. I saw two nurses come in with him but didn't pay attention to them. The dr said that Amelia has blood on her brain. He wants to send her to Vanderbilt because they have the neurologists here just to be sure. He thought it was important to get it done ASAP so the ambulance was already on its way. They just needed our permission. I couldn't wrap my head around what was happening but could see the urgency in him so I agreed and figured I could sort through my emotions later. He mentioned surgery but said he's never sent anyone to get checked that had to have it. In my mind I was thinking Ha, you've never met me...if something can go wrong in my life it usually does. But that was my baby's life on the line and I knew all I could do was pray. In the next hour or so I talked to so many people on the phone. Giving permission to take her, giving permission to give her blood, giving permission to do testing on her, verifying all this stuff. Nope, nothing like I thought my first afternoon after having a baby would go. They called me to let me know they got to the hospital with her and her breathing was fine (they were afraid she would forget how to breathe and stop doing it based on the blood on the brain). A little while later they called to get permission to put in a pic line. They also said the dr was waiting for the MRI and CT scans from centennial to load and he should be calling soon with a plan of action. Again torn, Matt wanted to go up to bandy to see Amelia but didn't want to leave me. He figured he would wait till the dr called and then would go see her before heading home for a bit. Our plan (prior to knowing our life would become a whirlwind) was Matt going home Friday afternoon to take care of the dogs, shower and then bring dinner back to celebrate my birthday and our baby. He still needed to go home and shower and tend to the dogs later but right now he would wait with me. Hearing the babies on the floor crying hurt so bad. Fighting the tears was hard to do but I had to be strong. I had to be strong for me. I had to be strong for Matt. But most importantly I had to be strong for Amelia.