Today is the day Auntie Lisa will be here! Matt will also be going home today for a bit. I'm sad that Matt will be leaving. I hate being away from him right now. I don't want to leave his side and I want. It's of us right there with Amelia. I know he has to go home to get some stuff and take care of some things but it diesnt make it easier.
Sadly the meds that Amelia were being given for seizures just weren't enough. She had a couple during the past 24 hrs so that means one more day with the EEG and a change in the meds. That's okay though because I'd rather have everything figured out before they took the EEG off. The neurologist said that normally now is the time for increased seizures and it should mellow out very soon. It seems like we will be heading on the downward slope very soon with everything. :)
Today Amelia got her breathing tube taken out!! They decided to try it even though she still wasn't complete in the clear with seizures. They figured she should try it. Worse case was she would have to have it put back in. They hooked her up to oxygen just to help her a little for the first hour. She did well! She did have to have to have the oxygen on a little longer but at an extremely low dose.
Amelia got to FaceTime with her great-grandma (Busia) today. Gramma loved it! She loved seeing Amelia's beautiful face. She did think Amelia had giant hands for a baby but then I had to tell her they were mine! She also said that since Amelia was coming off her oxygen then she could too. Um no G, you kinda need it. If your doctor says it is okay then go for it! But until then, keep it on!!!
This may have been the best day thus far for me. I got to hold my sweet angel 6 days and she was finally in my arms. The nurses told me I could but Matt was at home and I wanted him there for it. It was so hard, but I waited. It was worth the wait. She felt so right being in my arms. I couldn't think of anything I wanted more in life. This was perfect. I also shared her with Matt. She looked so peaceful and content laying in her daddy's arms. It was like that is where she was meant to be.
After being monitored all night and having an increase in her Keppra from preventative dosage to treatment dosage she had only one seizure. Yes seizures are bad, even one, but that means that they are close to finding what works for her. They increased her dosage a little more and will keep her on the EEG to see how she does. Today they will see how Amelia does breathing completely on her own. I'm so glad they explain backup measures to us because I was worried. Sure all new parents are worried about everything, but I'm a total wreck about this one. After all she's been through its hard to not be.
After last night with Matt holding me I felt a little better. Not 100% obviously but enough to get through the day. Sitting next to her watching her sleep so peacefully I still thought about being home with her and how I'm going to be the most paranoid mother. But God put his hands on me and blessed me and told me I was gonna be okay. He had me dwell on what it would be like when She got out of here instead of "what ifs." God's comfort and healing power could be felt so strongly and I was so thankful for my faith. I was also thankful for Matt's faith. If he or I had lost our faith it would make it so much easier for the other to lose faith and question God and turn our backs. Matt and I have God as the center of our life and marriage and the devil isn't too happy about that. We knew Amelia was a miracle from conception and turning our backs on God now wasn't something we wanted to do. God brought us to this and he was not going to abandon us, he would lead us through this.
Amelia did well on her first C-Pap. There were 4 times were she had problems but she brought herself out of them. Every 3 hours she would have another one and would breath on her own for a hour.
Amelia had some visitors today! Laurie, Deb and Uncle Wayne came by. Cindy came by today as well. It was a nice little distraction to have people here.
Today her neurosurgery team said there is no new swelling and things are looking good. Praise The Lord!! They discontinued all her extra IV fluids that were helping to avoid swelling. No more sodium so the swelling in her body should go down soon and she will look like a normal baby! The neurosurgery team also stated that recovery here in the hospital wouldn't be months but rather weeks! Best news we got today. That means our angel could be home for Christmas!!
Today was a big day for Amelia! In the morning she had the drain tube to her brain removed and her turban taken off. She looked so cute with her hair showing. I knew she would be having an EEG later and they would be wrapping her head back up so I took full advantage of rubbing on her head! Amelia was happy as can be because she got a feeding tube. We told her Sunday that if she was a good girl she would get one and she did well getting her art line.
They started weening her on her co2 and she was doing great. We were making great strides to get on a road to recovery. She had a pic line inserted and her IV taken out. She was starting to look so much better. Some of the wires and tubes were removed and that was a good sign.
Miss Kerry came and hooked her up to an EEG. Tons of wires sticking out her poor little head and chest. But she was super sweet and even made my little diva a bow! After everything was hooked up they did a 20 minute study. In those 20 minutes she had 4 seizures. They were subchronic seizures so there were no signs. They gave her a dose of Ativan to stop the seizures. Amelia went from opening her eyes, moving her hands and grasping things to unresponsive. The neurologist didn't know if all the movements prior to the Ativan were because of seizures or if Amelia was just having a reaction to the medication. She said she's pretty sure the meds just knocked her out but to be sure she wanted to do a CT scan. She just wanted to make sure there was no new bleeding or that she didn't have more swelling. All those leads needed to taken off.
I was a wreck. I anticipated set backs, was pretty much told with all the brain damage she would be having seizures, but it didn't make it easier. Now I was petrified of swelling or a new bleed. I was doing so well at remaining strong but I couldn't take it. I was so scared that all the movements we looked at as positives could have been negatives. That was just too much for me to take. I lost it. I felt really bad because I pushed Matt away when he tried to comfort me. I just needed a moment to pull myself together. After I regained my composure I apologized to Matt for pulling away. I know he is there to help and hold me and that I can't pull away from him. We prayed with Amelia and I started to feel a little better.
The CT scan showed the same thing it did post op. That was good because there was no new bleeding and the swelling didn't increase. We thanked God for that. Now all the leads had to be put back on her. It killed me to watch it because every time they had to touch her head she wanted to scream. My poor sweet baby. They were going to monitor her through the night and see how she did.
Even though today was a good day for Amelia, it was a super rough day for me. Between the setback that she had and the emotions running through me I felt miserable. All I could think about is that we should be home and Amelia should be using her crib and Matt and I should be fighting over who gets to hold her. We shouldn't be in a hospital watching out baby fight for her life. Matt wrapped his arms around me and prayed. How did I ever get so lucky to have such a great man in my life?
Every hour we have with Amelia is a blessing to us. Matt and I knew that we needed to go home and get necessities to last us around a week so we wouldn't have to go anywhere. I know all new parents feel that way, not wanting to leave their baby, but I don't know if it is this bad. We went to see Amelia who had a good night! We prayed with her and waited to talk to her drs before we left. The drs had the same thing to say...she is still in serious condition and today is one of the most critical days for increased swelling. Our goal was a quick trip home, do a load of laundry and be back with our baby in just a few hours.
We got home really quickly and I didn't realize how hard walking into the house would be. At first I was in a rush to get everything done so I can get back to the hospital. Then I had to put something in the nursery. Boy was that hard. Seeing all her stuff was so hard. I wanted to just leave everything and go back to the hospital. Matt wouldn't let me. He told me to lay down and try to rest while the clothes washed. He would take care of things. While I went to lay down I realized that my legs were beyond swollen. I had been having some pain in them and that made Matt super nervous. So he called my drs office and the dr on call wanted me to go to the emergency room. I cried so hard because I didn't want to be admitted. I told Matt I wasn't going. He told me I had to. Nope, I'm not going. I will just pretend nothing is wrong. The thing with Matt is I can never win a battle with him. So instead of some rest and getting clothes washed I was jumping in the shower and trying to hurry to get to the ER.
Of course I was right and nothing was wrong and I just wasted a few hours being evaluated. Matt felt much better because blood clots were nothing to mess with. So instead of getting things done and getting back to my baby I didn't get stuff done and lost time with my little girl.
When we got back to the hospital Matt dropped me off at the front door while he went to park. I went to Amelia's room and her nurse said she had a surprise for me. Amelia was opening her eyes! How awesome was that! It took her a minute but she did it for me. It was so awesome seeing her eyes opened. What a great feeling I had. I couldn't wait for Matt to come in and see her. They also gave her a little bow for her turban! My little diva loved that!
I just got to my sweet baby and I needed to get some rest but I didn't want to. I wanted to stand next to her the whole time and never let her hand go. Matt convinced me to go with him to try to get some sleep. How can I sleep when she is over there hurting?
It wasn't long after we were in the room before I lost it. I tried so hard to not cry in front of Matt. I know that he was hurting just as much as I was and he didn't need the burden of comforting me. I think that break down did more good for the both of us than I could have ever imagined. He wrapped his strong arms around me and told me that he is here for me. As I expressed how bad I hurt I could feel the tears hitting my head. He was hurting too. We cried and prayed together that night. I don't know if I ever cried so hard in my life. We listened to Praise You in This Storm by Casting Crowns and knew that we couldn't lose our faith. That night was a huge milestone for Matt and I. We grew closer together as husband and wife and as Christians to God. We knew that we would have to keep our faith center or we would never make it. Through our tears we could feel God's love surrounding us.
We went onto Facebook to see all the love and support and prayers that were being said for Amelia. The tears never stopped flowing as we saw people sharing the story of our sweet angel around the world. Words couldn't form, just tears flowing from our eyes. This tiny 7lb 5oz little miracle was so loved. That people took time out of their busy lives to offer words of encouragement and prayers for our little girl. Seeing Matt get so emotional (sorry baby!) it made those feeling I had for him grow even deeper. I always knew he was an amazing man and husband, but I was seeing what an amazing father he was and I felt so blessed.
We prayed again before trying to get some sleep. We needed to get back to our baby! (Or as Matt has so many times said "my baby girl"!
I was literally shaking on the ride up to the 5th floor. I didn't know what to expect and I didn't know how I was going to react. I knew I needed to stay strong for my sweet girl. Matt told me that before he left she was moving her right arm. When someone on her neurosurgery team called me she said she was moving her arms and legs some. (They called while Matt was up with me to give me an update. I almost had a heart attack because I thought something bad happened since Matt left 30 mins prior). She had a splint with tubes and wires on her left arm so that could be why she wasn't moving that arm with Matt here. That was the longest walk of my life. I wanted to run, but walking faster than a snails pace hurt. But I pushed through that pain and walked as fast as I could. Matt was holding my hand and pointed to her room. The whole front is glass is I could see my sweet angel laying there.
I dropped matts hand, walked through the door, put antibacterial foam on and I walked over to her. I lost it. I was so afraid to touch her because do all the wires and tubes everywhere but I just wanted to kiss on her and touch her. Matt finally made it to my side and said I could touch her and it was okay. I grabbed her hand and told her that mama was here. The sweetest sight was her start to move her hands for me and start to move her lips. She knew that voice. She knew that things were going to be okay! I was just amazed at how strong she was. I talked to her for what seemed like an hour but realistically was probably like 5 minutes. I told her how proud of her I was and how strong she was. I told her about all the people praying for her. Most importantly I told her how much I loved her. I went to go put my purse and sweatshirt down and Matt went to talk to Amelia. I lost it again. Listening to Matt tell Amelia he loves her was the sweetest thing I've heard ever. Watching him kiss his little girl and talking to her melted my heart. I fell in love with him all over again. I never thought I could love him any more, but at that moment my love for him went to a place I never thought possible.
One thing I was scared of was the fact that I never got to bond with Amelia. I never got the skin to skin contact, never got to feed her or change her, never got to feel her in my arms. Yes I loved this child but I didn't know if the way I felt was enough. I felt like I didn't love her the way I was supposed to. I was afraid that I wouldn't have that deep love for her like mothers talk about. I didn't want to tell Matt about it because I didn't want him to think I didn't love our baby. So I kept that in. After seeing her, touching her kissing on her I knew I was deeply in love. That was a great feeling. To know that even though we didn't "bond" after birth that she still knew me and responded to me made me feel so good. I just love this little girl!
Just as quick as we got in there we would have to leave. They needed to insert an artery vein so that they can monitor her blood pressure better and then they would have a port to draw blood from. Figured we could go get something to eat and take some time to talk and pray. We ate (or nibbled is more like it) and talked and prayed. We knew we were in for a long haul and needed to prepare ourselves mentally.
We went back up and they weren't done so we went and sat in the hall. I was feeling some pain but didn't want to say anything because I know my baby girl was hurting. I sat in a chair trying not to cry and trying to rest my eyes. Matt went somewhere but I didn't know where. Next thing I know I being led to a sleep room. I guess I was pretty rough. I couldn't stop shaking, I could barely walk or talk but wanted to see my baby. But I crawled into the bed and went to sleep. Matt went to fill my prescriptions so I get some relief. The rest was what I needed (or maybe I was in so much pain and didn't realize it).
They finally called us back in the room. They were unsuccessful but that wasn't for lack of trying. 5.5 hours. Crazy they poked my baby, my not even 2 day old baby, for 5.5 hours. We were able to kiss on her and talk to her when we got back to her. I hated to see her just laying there like that. It really hurt me.
We were told that the next few days were critical. That is when peak swelling occurs. The bone being left out of her skull should allow for some swelling but if it wasn't enough the swelling would push the brain down and that is fatal. So our prayers for the next few days would be for no new swelling.
Before she went for surgery her right side of the brain was smooshed into the left side of her brain. Then after the surgery it was still smooshed but not as bad. When the rest of the blood is absorbed into her body and the swelling reduces we hope that the brain goes back to its normal position.
I didn't want to leave my baby, but knew I was useless if I didn't take care of myself. So Matt and I went to the sleep room to TRY to get some rest.
It has been 35 hours since I've seen my baby. Nothing I wanted more than to see her and hold her. There was only one thing stopping me and that was being discharged. Matt would be over after Amelia's drs and nurses switched over. He wanted to meet the new nurse and give her his number just incase.
I had a new nurse, Courtney. She came in and said "I hear we need to get you out of here with quickness so let's make a plan now and once you are given the okay you can be with your baby." That's so sweet I thought. I was being given an Antibiotic and when it was finished I would get my IV out. Then I would be able to shower and get all my stuff together and just wait to sign my papers. Matt showed up and we went into "get me out of here" mode. Talk about a great man. He was so awesome helping me. He knew that I was stubborn and wanting to do as much as I could, but he was also not wanting to see me struggle and hurt. So he backed off some but would jump in when he couldn't take it. He helped me shower, which did feel nice after toe nights in there but I would have been okay with leaving without one! While showering Matt told me that he told Amelia to get stronger because he was going to get her mama!! That man is pure awesome. Amelia has the best father anyone could ever ask for. And she has her Heavenly Father!!!! Courtney was awesome helping me get ready and get things for us. You never think about things that happen when being released without a baby. I mentioned that it's sad we are leaving empty handed. No baby, nothing from the nursery, no pictures. This was not in my plans. I planned on buying hospital pictures. I planned on utilizing the hospital resources to help me with Amelia and doing what's best for her. The only person that came by was for her birth certificate and lactation. I told the lactation person I would love to need her, even just for pumping but she's won't be getting anything for a long while. I felt robbed of everything. Courtney knew I wasn't going home but to the hospital so she made sure to load me with supplies for me. She even put in a few things for Amelia, like a pack of wipes and some diapers. That was so sweet of her!
That morning was such a blur and all I can think of was going to see my girl. I remember the dr coming in and telling me he's gonna release me but really need to take it easy. I remember telling Courtney I didn't need a wheelchair and walking to the car. I wanted to yell at Matt to hurry up and get me there but I knew he was doing the same thing I was, rushing! I knew he wanted to be back with Amelia just as much as I did. The ride over was horrible. Every bump killed me, but that was okay. Matt was trying to drive slow, but then again he wasn't. He dropped me off at the front door and told me to meet him at the elevator at floor two and he would take me up to her. I was so scared, nervous, but more than anything...excited to be seeing my little fighter!
Who wants to answer a phone call that could tell you that your now 23 hour old daughter didn't make it? I wished Matt was with me and would have answered my phone. If it was bad news how was I going to tell that to Matt? How was I going to make it?
I mustered enough strength to answer the phone. Then I held my breath. Surgery went as expected, we drained the blood, she's on her way to NICU....now I took a little breath. Lots of blood, resulting in a ton of pressure and swelling. Your baby is very, very sick and I am really concerned about her. She's going to have some permanent damage but we won't know what till way later. I'm very concerned about her. We had to keep the bone out of her head because we anticipate more swelling and it needs somewhere to go. She's very critical. The only question I could think to ask is if she's going to make it. He said before surgery she wouldn't have made it. He's still not sure about her making it at this point. She's very sick.
Now I have to call Matt and tell him the good news, that she's in NICU in recovery, but also the bad, that's she's critical. He wanted to know if he could go see her and I told him they said in about an hour. He said he's heading right there and he's sorry about not being with me. He would text me with information and if they would let him stay the night he was going to. As much as I needed my husband, Amelia needed her daddy. That night he texted me a picture of our sweet baby. Turban on her head, tons of wires and tubes and lines running from her. She looked so miserable. I cried for a good hour over that picture. I talked to my little baby girl all night and prayed over her. I thanked God that she was still alive and that he had his arms around her. Matt told me his phone was dying and he would call or text with anything important and would show up with anything devastating. Since they talked about discharging me a day early so I could be with my angel he would be by in the morning to get me.
I was going to be having the worse night of my life and doing it alone. That was okay though because it gave me comfort to have Matt with Amelia. She needed someone with her. I was strong...so I thought. I prayed that night not just for Amelia but I was also selfish and prayed for myself. I felt bad asking for God to comfort me because I needed him to focus on Amelia. Thankfully they gave me Percocet and that stuff knocks me out. Otherwise I wouldn't have slept a wink. I knew I needed to sleep so I could get some strength to see my girl tomorrow. My nurse, Roz, was so sweet. She tried to tip toe in to see me and hugged me each time. She wanted me to rest as much as I could. Of course in a situation like this you don't sleep well and when you do it's not very good sleep. I was up every hour. I kept checking to see if Matt was in the room, praying he wasn't. Finally at 6:30 I couldn't take it and I got up. I got out of bed, went to the bathroom and then paced some. Roz came in and I needed to get back in bed to get my vitals and stuff. She also had more pain meds. As she was getting things ready she asked if I heard from Matt. I told her I hadn't yet. No sooner I said that I got a text. It was a morning picture with the message "good morning mommy, can't wait to see you" that melted my heart.
That call from the neurologist at Vanderbilt finally came. I prayed for the best, but braced myself for the worse. There was a substantial amount of blood on the right side of her brain. There is an excessive amount of swelling. Immediate need for surgery. Prepping now. Need permission. That was about all I could get from the conversation. After giving my permission to have my 20 hour old undergo brain surgery I hung up. I was barely able to get the words out to Matt. Again I tried to remain strong. They would call me when she was out. Should be 3-4 hours. Matt left to go home to take care of the dogs, grab a nap and a shower and then wanted to be back when I got the news from surgery. As much as I wanted him to stay and hold me and comfort me, I knew he needed to go. Before he left he hugged me and I broke down. I couldn't help the tears from falling. I knew he was hurting and it sucked so bad. We should be snuggling her, not praying for her life.
After Matt left I lost it. The tears wouldn't stop and the pain hurt so bad. My baby girl, sweet little girl, not even a day old was going to have her head cut open. A bone kept out of her head. She would hopefully survive this and still have a long journey ahead of her. I knew that the possibility of death was great and it hurt me so bad. This little miracle baby was going to be taken from us just as quickly as she was given to us. I still needed to be strong and so I try to stop myself from crying. I didn't want anyone to see how much pain I was in. How bad I was hurting. I had it remain positive and know that the next call would be changing my life forever and I couldn't think negative. In the next few hours I cried and prayed and cried and prayed. I was stuck in a room that I should have been in with my baby and couldn't even see her. I was heart broken. I was crushed. People kept telling me to take care of myself. To rest and eat and heal. Yeah that wasn't happening. A few bites of food in 38 hours, a few cat naps in 50 some hours and who cared about me healing. I hated being alone, but like the time to get all my emotions out. One thing that killed me is not having Matt to hold and be held by. I didn't know he was dealing with all this and that hurt me. I know he was trying to be strong for me and even more so for Amelia. I also knew he wasn't taking care of himself the way he needed and holding all his emotions in was not good.
I later found out how he expressed his emotions at home. He took in her car seat and diaper bag since we weren't going to be needing them anytime soon and he said walking in with it empty killed him. Walking into her nursery to put it away broke him more than anything. He lost it and cried for his sweet baby girl. He cried because he should have been bringing her home in it. Cried because she was at the hospital having major surgery and we didn't know what would happen. I praised God that Matt got to hold her and carry her to the nursery. If something went wrong in surgery he would have that memory.
Matt ran up to NICU as soon as he woke up. Of course he was feeling awful for leaving me but I reassured him that his princess needed him and to go. If I ever had a single doubt about Matt loving me, those went out the window. As much love as he has for Amelia, him not wanting to go to be with me proved his love. He is such an amazing man and I thanked God for him.
While he was gone my dr came in, a nurse, someone with birth certificates and a few others. At least I had something to distract me while Matt was with our angel and getting news. I was hoping to hear that she did well and would be coming to me soon. I should know better than to think something would go the way I wanted. God had told me a million times it's His will and not mine, but I couldn't help it then, I just wanted to see my baby. I was losing precious minutes and hours with her. At least he took his phone to get some pictures of my princess.
He finally came back in the room. He wasn't so happy, but looked hopeful. He said that she was showing some signs of seizure activity and they wanted to do an MRI and a CT scan. I was bound and determined to go see her, so I got my nurse in motion. I had to get my catheter out, get the IV to just the one port so I could get my antibiotics every 8 hrs, get the massaging braces off my legs and themes I could get dressed and go. I put it in rock star gear and before long I was ready to walk up there. Just as we were going to go they called to say they were taking Amelia for her scans and would call when they were done. Ugh I was so frustrated that I couldn't see my girl, but would rather have her taken care of. Time moved so slow. This is not something we were prepared for. We figured worse case was that instead of being released Friday I would be released Saturday. Who plans for things like NICU without cause? Who plans for not seeing their baby? I wanted to cry but knew it wouldn't do any good, so we waited for the call. I started to get really irritated and just wanted to see my baby. Two hours later, instead of a call, the NICU dr came in. Matt came by me to hold my hand and the dr sat down. I saw two nurses come in with him but didn't pay attention to them. The dr said that Amelia has blood on her brain. He wants to send her to Vanderbilt because they have the neurologists here just to be sure. He thought it was important to get it done ASAP so the ambulance was already on its way. They just needed our permission. I couldn't wrap my head around what was happening but could see the urgency in him so I agreed and figured I could sort through my emotions later. He mentioned surgery but said he's never sent anyone to get checked that had to have it. In my mind I was thinking Ha, you've never met me...if something can go wrong in my life it usually does. But that was my baby's life on the line and I knew all I could do was pray. In the next hour or so I talked to so many people on the phone. Giving permission to take her, giving permission to give her blood, giving permission to do testing on her, verifying all this stuff. Nope, nothing like I thought my first afternoon after having a baby would go. They called me to let me know they got to the hospital with her and her breathing was fine (they were afraid she would forget how to breathe and stop doing it based on the blood on the brain). A little while later they called to get permission to put in a pic line. They also said the dr was waiting for the MRI and CT scans from centennial to load and he should be calling soon with a plan of action. Again torn, Matt wanted to go up to bandy to see Amelia but didn't want to leave me. He figured he would wait till the dr called and then would go see her before heading home for a bit. Our plan (prior to knowing our life would become a whirlwind) was Matt going home Friday afternoon to take care of the dogs, shower and then bring dinner back to celebrate my birthday and our baby. He still needed to go home and shower and tend to the dogs later but right now he would wait with me. Hearing the babies on the floor crying hurt so bad. Fighting the tears was hard to do but I had to be strong. I had to be strong for me. I had to be strong for Matt. But most importantly I had to be strong for Amelia.
Here I am, laying in recovery after major surgery, beaming because God finally gave us our miracle...and boy was she beautiful! I was so in love with Matt who went from Matt to daddy in seconds. He couldn't stand to be away from his little girl, even just a minute, so he went back to see her. They told him it would be 2 hours and then they would bring her to us. I was going to patiently wait those two hours. At that time I would be down in my room and we could start our family bonding time. Every stomach press meant pain, but it also meant 15 minutes closer to being able to hold my sweet baby finally! After a few stomach presses Matt came in. He wasn't as chipper as he was and looked like he wanted to cry. He finally told me that when he got to the nursery they were just taking her to NICU. Those aren't words a mother wants to hear. We specifically chose Centennial because of the NICU. Did I know or think we would use it? Not a chance, but I like to be prepared for worse case scenarios. At that point I was so glad I thought about what ifs. I knew she would be taken care of. Thankfully Matt, yet again, got to go with her up to the NICU. That was a blessing. We were told she was possibly having seizures and they wanted to keep an eye on her and see.
Get some rest. That was what everyone told me once I was in my room. Yeah, you try to close your eyes and sleep while your baby isn't in the room with you. We planned on utilizing the nursery but that also meant Amelia could come back to us whenever we wanted. I still hadn't seen or held my baby and who knew when I would. I was still coming down from all the meds and drugs from the c-section and being given more because I had a fever and pain pills. Most women would be passed out...not me. I felt horrible for Matt who wanted to stay up in NICU with his baby, but didn't want to leave me alone. I could tell how scared he was because he started to stress eat. He would be completely silent, zoned out, and then in an angry tone blurt something out before going back to his mental zone. The hours passed and eventually I couldn't fight the drugs and I passed out. I could only sleep for a bit at a time and would check on Matt every time I stirred. One time I awoke he was in the rocking chair...a chair he should be in rocking his precious baby to sleep...and was eating, zoned out. He blurted out "she's not even 5 hours old and is already giving me a major scare". I wanted so bad to get up and hug him, tell him to talk to me and hold my hand and we would get through it together, but I couldn't. I couldn't get out of bed and even if I could he was back in his zone. Finally one time I awoke and he was sleeping in the rocking chair. That made me feel a little better. I knew I would need him more than I ever had and he wouldn't be useful if he didn't sleep. Little did I know just how much I was going to need him the next day(s).
Happy Birthday to me!! I was getting a daughter for my birthday!! Not just any daughter, a miracle daughter. God was going to give us the biggest blessing of our lives!! My dr came in at about 7:45. I had been having contractions (strong ones) since about midnight. I didn't want an epidural but not having a natural birth (having to have pictocin) I needed one. The nurse went to order me one while the dr checked me and broke my water. My water was broken and my dr was going to come back at lunch time to see where I am at. Right after she left I got my epidural and was told to rest till my dr came back. That epidural killed me getting it. I ALMOST would have rather had the contractions. The only reason I wouldn't is because the pain of the epidural went away soon and so did all the other pain!! I tried to rest but how could you when you are so excited and also when my machine would beep for 30 minutes at a time or someone was coming in to move monitors. I used the time to pray. Pray that everything go according to God's plan. My dr came back and there was no progress. She was a little concerned about that but said she would be back in 4-5 hours and hope that I had some progress. Well about 2 hours later I was ready to start pushing. Ha, who would have known I would be an awesome pusher!! I pushed for almost 2 hours and my dr stopped me. She said that she doesn't say this much because it doesn't happen often, but I was a rockstar pusher. She could actually feel me pushing. Because of that she said I was going to need a c-section, which she hated to do because by then I was in active labor for 24 hours. But she knew that was my only option. She said I had a tiny pelvic bone and that is why she won't make it through that way. Ummm now I am really scared, as I don't want to be cut open, but it was to see my girl in a little bit!! Things went really quickly and before I knew it I was up in OR. They parked my bed next to the OR bed and said they would help me move beds in a minute. I didn't need help, I just scooted myself over. They were all amazed that I could do that. I guess when you have an epidural you shouldn't be moving like that. They didn't know who they were messing with. The C-section went well I guess. I couldn't see anything or feel anything. I do know my BP went down to 56/29 at one point, but I wasn't worried about that. I was waiting to hear that cry. They tell Matt to stand up because they were pulling her out, he was so excited and nervous. He gave me a kiss and said congrats, but I was concerned because I still didn't hear crying. They NICU nurses were trying to get my blue baby to breathe. It took them a few minutes, but they eventually got her to breathe and I never thought that a cry could make me feel so good. The pain I was feeling when they stitched me up was horrible but I couldn't help but look at my little miracle. She was so beautiful!! Matt was standing between Amelia and I, torn on who to look at. I was squeezing his fingers off because of the pain and his other arm was stretching touching his daughter. 7lbs 5oz, 20.5" miracle!! Born at 8:12. I couldn't have asked for a better birthday present. Matt got to hold her and carry her down to the nursery, but first they laid her on my chest for a brief picture. I was so thrilled to be a mom. Matt made it back to my recovery room right after I got there. He was too excited that he left to go back to see her. That is when our world started to crumble.
Nov 20th...the day I would go to the hospital. Every thing I did that day brought tears to my eyes. That was the last day that I would be childless. I would never take another shower without hearing "MOM", I wouldn't be watching Love it or List it anymore, I wouldn't be sleeping in my bed without a child next to me. I loved that I was going to be a mother the next day. It was still so surreal. Matt took the full day off of work so he could do some last minute things around the house. We should be coming back with a baby Friday. We made sure the dogs knew that the next time we would come home we would be bring Amelia with us. The last few weeks of pregnancy both Buddy and Sammy wouldn't leave my side. They would lay on my lap and feet all day. Getting annoyed every time I had to get up to go to the bathroom. I had so many feelings running through me that day. I was so nervous and scared for what was coming during labor. I was nervous about taking care of this sweet little angel I was carrying. I was so excited about turning Matt and I into Matt, Amelia and I. I had never seen Matt so excited before. It made me so happy to see that. I knew he was going to make one heck of a dad. It was about time to leave for the hospital and I was such an emotional wreck! We got to the hospital and checked in. We went up to Labor and Delivery and there is the first thing to go wrong. They did not have any of my paperwork and they were going back and forth with the dr. They couldn't start anything without my papers per hospital protocol. They were going to put me in my room, let me put on a gown and sit and wait. So I get my gown on and am sitting there waiting. Matt started to look nervous at that point. He was not making sense when he was talking, he was pacing, it was cute! The nurse came in a while later telling me they are still trying. Then the head nurse came in and said that she is trying to figure out what to do and had calls in to her boss, but they were trying. Finally after 2 hours they could get me ready to go. Katie, my nurse was awesome. She got the IV in me, hooked me up with everything I needed, explained some stuff and then she started the Pictocin. Talk about the emotions man. I tried to focus, but that was it. I was becoming a mother soon. That was a long night! Matt was for sure nervous at that point as he kept eating. I would go from super excited to super scared and back again. That night went well and I was ready for the morning when I would have my water broken. 12 years we waited for this moment! I couldn't love Matt any more!!
At 31 weeks pregnant, my pregnancy went from completely uneventful, to annoying. Now I know people have horrible pregnancies and mine was nothing to cry about, just not how I wanted the last few weeks to go. Hormones are really raging, I am huge and I am tired! I was diagnosed with GD and had to follow this diet. Not a horrible thing, but telling a pregnant woman you can't eat what you crave/want is not nice. I knew that I needed to do this for my sweet angel. (We found out after the 2nd anatomy scan that we were having a girl! Amelia Kimberley would be joining our family soon) I did what I was supposed to do, but that wasn't enough. My placenta just didn't like when I didn't eat and it would raise my blood sugar levels. That's fine, just means I had to take a super low dose of a tiny pill. I was okay with that. The rest of the GD was fine. Because I had to take medication I was not allowed to go past my due date. So I knew that by Dec 1 we would be parents! How exciting. During the next few weeks I developed Gestational Hypertention as well. So I was put on bed rest. I was also given a date that I needed baby to come out...Nov 21. I laughed as the dr told me! That's my birthday!! What a blessing to me to share that day with our little miracle. I was told to go to the hospital at 6:30 pm Nov 20th and I would start being induced. In the morning my dr would break my water and then I would be having my little angel shortly after!! I started to become so anxious and excited. We didn't tell anyone about the induction because we wanted it to be a surprise! Little did we know what surprise lied ahead.
Shortly before getting married Matt and I talked about wanting to have kids and not waiting for years after our wedding to start. Yes we were young, but we knew that we wanted a family, so we decided that when we got married we would not start "trying" but we would not prevent. June 9th, 2001 we had an amazing wedding with family and friends. We hoped that within a year we would have a baby to love on. Shortly after getting married I went to the dr for a yearly exam. That exam changed our lives. I was told that I needed surgery for PCOS and Endometriosis. Oct 11, 2001 I went for that surgery and the dr wanted to do a complete hystorectomy because I was in such bad shape. NO! was the answer he was met with. We had hope and faith that we would eventually overcome this. Months turned into years and we were no closer to having a family. All our friends were starting to get married and have kids and we were crushed to not have a family of our own. To most people this would tear apart a marriage, but it didn't with us. We tried many different options over the years. Surgery, pills, injections, procedures, adoptions, fostering...nothing worked in our favor. After years of rejection we decided to finally accept the fact that it would just be us. I had no complaints over spending the rest of my life with the love of my life, but having children was so wanted by us both. March 31, 2013 (my mom's birthday) I took a pregnancy test. Not because I thought I was pregnant by any means. It was because I thought I had an ovarian cyst that was going to rupture and my dr would make me take a test before coming in just to be sure. Immediately it turned positive. Something I had never seen before. I don't remember if I finished going to the bathroom or if I wiped or anything. I remember running to Matt and asking what it said. He was confused and knowing it was a pregnancy test automatically said "negative". I told him to look closer. As it hit him I could see the joy in his face. I told him that I didn't want to get too excited because it could be wrong and I will take another test. He asked when I could take another test and I said as soon as I could go to the bathroom and he said "drink up baby". That test came back positive so I decided that I should make an appointment with my dr the next day. They don't see you till you are 8 weeks along, so we had a few weeks to wait sadly. That night on my way home from work I bought prenatal vitamins and a few more tests (different brands) to take. They were all positive. I allowed myself to get a little excited. A few weeks later, on April 17th, an ultrasound confirmed we were pregnant and had an EDD of Dec 1, 2013. Talk about a miracle. We thanked God so much for allowing us, after almost 12 years of disappointment and stress to have this blessing.
