So much harder

If you've had the pleasure of speaking/texting/emailing me lately, you probably are wondering what got into me. I'm moody, mean, hateful, cranky, emotional, sappy, etc. This is NOT me. I am not myself. I apologize. This surgery is hitting me really hard. 

I'm not sure if it's because Amelia is older and I know this will be harder on her. She won't be able to be held for a few days because she will have an external drain coming out her head. Until that is removed she can't be moved. That is going to kill her and me. I hate that I'm not going to be able to comfort my little angel. Sleeping is going to be horrible. We have a monster that will only fall asleep when mama is touching her. 

I know when we have to hand her over to the nurses she is going to cry. She is going to scream when they walk away from us. I'm going to cry. That will break my heart and the next few hours will be the longest. Sad thing is I can't even pick her up and cuddle her when we get to see her. 

Maybe it's so much harder because we were thinking that this would be the final surgery until her permanent plate would go in 6 mos to 6 years later. Now we find out there will be more and taking that in is too much right now. 

Even though it's hard for me to admit, I'm not okay. It seems like everything is going wrong at once. She isn't making any progress and is regressing in her leg tone. She is having to get AFOs now. Therapy will be increasing to try to help more. I feel like I'm failing Amelia by not doing more for her. My two people that I have leaned on the most can't be here physically for us (one is ill and the other had work emergency that she couldn't leave) so having to go through this alone (besides Matt) is making my heart hurt. So again, I apologize if I've offended you in any way lately. I'm battling a demon right now. I do think that it's time to see a doctor and once we are given the clear to be out I plan on finding one and making an appointment. Until then I will try to plaster a smile on my face and be pleasant.